


we'll make it through

by libraryphiliac



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Cisswap, F/F, Fem!Stucky, Genderbending, Genderswap, Rule 63, cuddling and crying, fem!bucky barnes, fem!steve rogers - Freeform, fem!stevebucky, this was for an ask meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 06:27:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1972368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libraryphiliac/pseuds/libraryphiliac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>bucky’s right hand was trembling.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>if her metal arm were sentient, it would have been sneering at its flesh counterpart with a combination of dispassion and disdain, but as it were, both her metal and flesh limbs, as was the rest of bucky’s slightly trembling body, were tuck snugly in the form-fitting velvet black dress she had painstakingly crawled into an hour or so before, when she had managed to convince steve she was going to be alright to handle stark’s – tony’s – charity ball.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	we'll make it through

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: fem!stucky - “i just really need to have you here right now.” [[x](http://bvckysbarnes.co.vu/post/92037823470/fem-stucky-i-just-really-need-to-have-you-here)]

bucky’s right hand was trembling.

if her metal arm were sentient, it would have been sneering at its flesh counterpart with a combination of dispassion and disdain, but as it were, both her metal and flesh limbs, as was the rest of bucky’s slightly trembling body, were tuck snugly in the form-fitting velvet black dress she had painstakingly crawled into an hour or so before, when she had managed to convince steve she was going to be alright to handle stark’s – _tony’s_  – charity ball.

bucky gritted her teeth as she hurried into the ladies’ room, grateful for the small mercies like it being completely devoid of any curious eyes, and locked the door just in time for her legs to give out. “stupid– fucking –  _heels_ ,” she muttered viciously, kicking out of the shoes steve had picked out especially for this evening, telling her she’d be lovely in it ( _"you have killer legs, buck, you know that."_ ) she could see the world going blurry as her eyes filled with angry tears, and she wiped them away with the back of her hands as roughly as she had flung her shoes away.

sitting there slumped on the icy hard tiles of the bathroom, shoes scattered, makeup (bucky couldn’t believe _she was wearing makeup, jesus christ_ ) a complete mess with her mascara smushed and her eyeliner running, the knee-length dress she and steve had picked out the week before, when they had tried their hands on online shopping, rumpled and itchy against her skin, bucky barnes was the picture of complete disaster. it was the people, she thought, bitter at admitting her weakness. the people, and the inane chatter, their tinkling laughs and polite chuckles, the piercing eyes and judging stares as they consciously or unconsciously looked down at her, their faces betraying the mixture of fear, distrust, and greed the majority of people who knew about her and her history (which, thanks to fucking SHIELD, was the rest of the complete fucking world) felt towards her. it was the complete–  _falseness_  of everything. the last straw was the senator, in his big important suit and his big important hands and his big important words, who was so obvious in avoiding even looking at her metal limb he switched arms midway through raising a hand to shake with. she could have dealt with that, bucky thought, she could have easily smiled icily and shook hands with him– if only she hadn’t seen the look on his face. not only had the asshole sized her up and down like a fucking cow for sale, not only had there been the similar mixture of fear-distrust-greed-loathing in his eyes, he’d been–  _looking_ – at her and, and torturing her in his mind, pulling at her hair as she tried to scream through the heavy hand bruising her mouth, undressing her in his mind’s eye, playing with her body like it was a thing for him to be enjoyed. he had looked at her with these things running in his mind, and memories of her conditioning at HYDRA rushed at her like she’d been punched in the gut, slammed with a truck, and bile had risen in her mouth, and, combined with all the mounting pressure and unspoken, barely-acknowledged weakness from anxiety she felt from having to  _mingle_  with everyone, all of those rich, important higher-ups wanting to get a piece of her (she had almost burst out laughing, crazy, hysterical. this must be what steve felt all the time. jesus.), she’d had to flee the room.

bucky sighed out a shaky sob, pulling her legs up and resting her forehead on her knees. she wouldn’t cry, she told herself, no fucking way is she gonna cry over this shit anymore. she allowed herself a few more moments to, to breathe through her nose, getting steadier and steadier, eyes closed and hands fisted in her hair, which she still hadn’t cut and which was now, as was the rest of her, a complete disaster, styled in a single french braid natasha had fixed for her that went down halfway through her back, wrecked and messy and tangled. bucky let out a trembling almost-chuckle. she’d have to apologize to natasha later.

somewhat calmed now, thoughts of that vile senator and all the stupidity and  _people_  and everything the fucking party had given her pushed down, down, down, she took the phone stark had given her, a new model or something, certainly too advanced and expensive to be sold to the general public, and cradled it in her metal hand. the flesh one, despite her efforts, was still slightly trembling.

bucky stared at the phone. steve had told her to call her  _any time at all_  she, bucky, felt like she needed to. bucky had, of course, raised protests against that, but. she’d have to have been completely un-self-aware if she thought she didn’t need someone to help her, now. mind decided, bucky took in a few breaths, pressed the first number on the phone’s speed dial, and brought it to her ear.

the line picked up on the first ring.

“bucky?”

bucky wouldn’t have been able to believe the relief and release she felt when she heard steve’s voice, as calm and as sure and as steady as ever, if she hadn’t felt it for herself. a sigh of relief escaped her lips, the corner of her mouth curling up in a half-smile, her eyes falling shut as the tension flowed from her entire body and she had to lean against the wall, her head falling back with a soft  _thud_.

“bucky, are you okay?” steve’s voice was so full of concern, bucky would have gladly and willingly drowned in it.

“i’m,” she replied, voice low and thick. she had to swallow against the block in her throat. “i’m fine, steve.”

“no, you’re not,” steve said immediately, the change in her tone perceptible. “what happened? do you need anything?”

“no, steve, i’m, i’m okay, i don’t need–” the words were out of her mouth before she’d had time to think. 

“bucky?” steve’s voice was gentle. she didn’t say anything else, and somehow bucky knew she’d be able to ask steve of–  _anything_ , and steve would move heaven and hell to give it to her.  _jesus._

a silence fell between them, their breaths somehow making it fuller instead of breaking it. bucky’s smile slid off her face, replaced with– something, she didn’t, wasn’t sure how to name it. “stevie?” she said softly into the phone.

“i’m here, buck. always.”

“i’m not okay.”

“i know.”

“i, i need. i just. really need you. to be here, right, right now.”

immediately, no hesitation, no pause at all: “of course.”

a single tear squeezed out of each of bucky’s eyes. “thank you.” soft, almost not there at all, but steve’s ears picked it up.

“you’re welcome, bucky.”

bucky hung up, her hand thudding against the tiles, phone falling out of the metal as her fingers loosened. that was how steve found her, only fifteen, twenty minutes later despite the building stark had chosen to hold the ball in being a good hour’s drive from their shared apartment, eyes open and unblinking.

“bucky,” steve said, dropping to her knees and grabbing her by the shoulders. bucky could see how windswept steve’s hair was, the short strands sticking up at the ends, the t-shirt and jeans she’d hurriedly put on bedraggled and untidily worn. “jesus christ, bucky, i’m sorry.” steve wrapped her in an embrace, to which bucky bonelessly complied. “i’m so, so sorry, i shouldn’t have left you alone in that place, that stupid party, jesus, bucky…” steve rambled on, apologizing over and over again until bucky had to pull back and sort of– glare, at her. 

“shut up, steve,” she said with not much rancor. the only bitterness she felt was towards herself. “ain’t your fault i’m a stubborn, moronic mess.”

“don’t beat yourself down, buck, don’t talk about yourself like that,” steve started to say, but bucky pushed on.

“no, yeah, it’s. i should have. i.  _shouldn’t_  have forced myself into this, i think.”

steve had to smile. “ya think?” she moved to sit on the floor beside her. “really, though, buck… i’m. i’m glad. that you, you thought you could do this.”

bucky didn’t answer.

“no, no, i meant, like. i’m glad you’re thinking for yourself, and all. that’s it. i’m. this is  _progress_ , you telling me you needed me. it’s. it’s okay, you know, i mean, i hope you know, or in the process of knowing, that. that needing someone is, completely okay.”

bucky still didn’t say anything.

“jesus, bucky, way to torture a girl,” steve finally said, teasing, but when she turned to look at bucky, she saw she hadn’t moved at all, save to bow her head, causing her hair to swing down and cover her face from view, but steve could see bucky’s shoulders shaking, her hand fisted beside her on the floor, and now that she knew what to listen for, steve could hear the quiet sharp intakes of breath bucky made. she was crying.

without a word, steve lifted her arms and took bucky into them, pushing her head gently on her shoulder with her left hand, the other going to her hair and stroking it. the movement– the tenderness, the care, the gentle soothing feel of steve’s hands– smashed through all of bucky’s walls, and she finally, finally broke down, letting out all the sobs, all the pain and anguish she didn’t let herself feel, all the tears she didn’t have the chance to cry when she was the Soldier, when she was tortured, frozen, brainwashed, all the hurt and suffering she now let herself feel on that bathroom floor, and somehow steve had turned her body toward her, and she was crying, raw and wrecked, on steve’s shoulder, her hands gripping the front of steve’s shirt, which was wet from her tears, and steve was wrapped all around her, her arms around her body, rubbing her back, her hair, leaving kisses on the top of her head, and through her sobs she could hear steve sniffling too, crying with her,  _for her_ , and somehow that made her feel– worse, or better, she didn’t know, but it made her shaking stronger, and steve’s arms wrapped tighter around her.

they stayed there for, jesus, she didn’t know, didn’t care for how long. all she knew was the waves of pain and tears and emotional turmoil in her, threatening to flood her away and kill her with its strength, steve’s embrace the only thing anchoring her on this earth. bucky would weather through this, she knew she had to, and the knowledge that steve would be right there beside her, fighting along and helping her, was the only saving grace she needed to give her the courage to try and trek through it.

it would be enough.

 

**Author's Note:**

> here's my [tumblr](http://libraryphiliac.tumblr.com) please come and give me more prompts


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